As the somewhat cliche' colloquialism goes:
"Some people believe in life after death without ever truly living"
Living life to the fullest sounds like such a simple concept. How does a person go about living life to the fullest? One way to do it, to put yourself on the proverbial path, is to ask yourself questions.
What do I like?
Do I like this item so much or would it add to clutter?
How does this feel to me?
Is this a person whom it feels good to have in my life?
This is something I used to like, do I still like it?
What can I do to make the world a better place?
When I left a long marriage I realized that I had lost my identity. The needs of others had taken priority over mine for so long, it felt normal for my needs to go unmet. At times when I expressed a need, it was ignored. Sometimes I was referred to as selfish or being self centered for asking for a birthday cake & ice cream.
When I gained my freedom it felt a bit strange at first. Whilst going shopping for such day to day necessities, I thought to buy those items that the ex huzz & children liked. When I bought then brought the items to my new home, there they would sit, untouched. When one of my kiddos had a birthday coming up I would see something that I thought would delight them. Often, I didn't even have their mailing address to send it to them as they were on a military deployment or away at college, I had no way to even contact them.
There would be weeks, sometimes even months when I didn't hear from any of them.
It's often said that in a divorce the children & others will polarize toward one person, leaving the other out in the cold.
Can you guess which was my fate? It was REALLY cold.
I tried to keep the relationships going until I realized that I was the only one trying. Telling myself that this was how it was for now, it might be different later, was a comfort.
Small comfort, better than nothing.
The ex huzz had taught my children that I was of little value, unworthy of respect, by the way he had treated me. When, I finally did have contact with my children, I spent years, putting the respect for me, in place. It's there, now, to varying degrees among them though I doubt they realize it.
At the point when I moved to a 3 BR, 2 BA duplex, I began realizing that I had to start living my life for me. I started by cleaning out my pantry, fridge & freezer. The unhealthy processed foods that I had bought that had gone untouched were far from their expiration dates.
Those were donated to the local food bank.
Also, I made a mental note to myself to only buy healthy foods.
When an acquaintance asked me to get out & go shopping with her, it was nice to get out of the house to go somewhere other than work. As she and I browsed, I found myself doing it again. A memory would flood my thoughts as naturally as breathing. I would see something that reminded me of one of my children, that their birthday or Christmas was near.
I was doing it, again.
At first it felt so foreign, to think of myself or what I would like. Then, I started catching myself, realizing that they were living their lives for themselves or their dad, I had to live my life for myself.
Painful to realize, yes, a healthy realization. It was necessary to, now, focus on myself, on what would bring me happiness.
One day, my attention was drawn to a program that was designed to help people adjust to life after a long marriage or relationship ended. I had noticed that many people quickly jump from one marriage to another. Some people will get into another romantic relationship within days or weeks or sometimes just months after the previous one ends. Sometimes even before the previous one has ended.
Many people have never learned how to be content with their own company or have forgotten how to be single.
They fear it as if it were a death sentence. There are many ways to live that are much worse than being single & living alone.
This program helps a lot after the end of a long relationship. Also, if there was the death of a spouse.
It's a 13 week program, free of charge, to ease the adjustment. It was a scary thought to me. Speaking of such personal subjects among strangers. I decided to give it a try.
Two surprising things happened:
1. I realized that I was on the right track to think of my own needs.
2. Although the divorce was more recent for me than the other people's, I was more "recovered" than the others in the program.
Possibly because the ex huzz had been doing so many damaging things over and over. He had been saying such hurtful things. He had been lying to me, using manipulation instead of having an adult conversation. He had killed my love for him slowly, over time. The deep love I had felt for him, he had killed it 5 years prior to my decision to leave.
Most of the people in the classes were struggling mostly because they still deeply loved their spouses.
I didn't have that problem.
Slowly, I began ridding myself of household items that were not my taste in furniture, decor. The process of self discovery, all over again, was invigorating. Finding that my taste was more simple than it had been before was a nice discovery! I even went so far as to buy new silverware that was more to my liking.
That felt good, with every bite!
From time to time I would come across something that belonged to one of my children. Even if it was a school paper or a bedraggled little doll or stuffed animal. It might have been precious to them, not something easily bought. It was theirs, not mine, it felt important to give it to them to do with it as they wished. I kept 4 boxes, labeled with each ones name. When I found something that had been one of my childrens' posessions, I placed it in their box. When the box was full, I took it to its' original owner or mailed it if that was what needed to be done.
Even with all of these changes, it was so easy to regress back into my former habits, my former trains of thought. The classes I was taking helped a lot to move me further along on the road to recovery.
I went through the 13 week course 5 times for further healing.
Three times in Colorado, thinking I was healed enough.
Then?
In 2012, my heart was broken, shattered really, when a man from the past came back to hurt me so badly, I made the decision to never allow it again.
I allowed it.
He knew exactly what he was doing, he knew he was lying to me, he knew he was using the "fake a future" method to hook me.
I allowed it for the last time I would ever allow it. I went through the 13 week course 2 more times in 2012 to get over the heartbreak.
This may sound horrible because it was.
The many nights I cried myself to sleep, the self persecution for being so gullible as to fall for his manipulations? These gave way to more self discovery, more determination to guard my heart so as to never be shattered like that ever again. It took me a little over 2 years to recover. This may sound over dramatic, such was the heartbreak I suffered along with a very valuable lesson learned.
One tenet that helped me more than anything was something so small that it seemed implausible. In the course I took, I had an "aha" moment. The realization that if I stopped dating at all, allow myself to adjust to living alone, being alone, it would make me far less vulnerable to the players, liars, cheaters. It also made me far less vulnerable to the romance scammers online as well as the ones in real life. Mm Hm. There were a few guys, in real life, who tried to get money from me. Tried to use me as their personal ATM. However long it might take, it was worth it to take the time to adjust to being single & celibate, to have peace in my heart.
With the new empowerment of being content with my own company, my efforts gained new focus on beautifying my surroundings.
Donating, gifting or selling furniture or anything from my former life gave a deeper perspective. Anything that had too strong of a memory attached to it, had to go!
I had more freedom than I had ever known, before. It felt good! Really - really good!
The one aspect of my personality which I have wrestled with the most since gaining my freedom is still a tough one for me. When I find or experience something good, a strong desire to share my good fortune takes over. This is a gem for predatory people to find.
They will lap up everything they can until the the person becomes depleted or discovers they are dealing with a resource succubus or incubus in human form.
That's some heavily damaging juju!!!!
It was necessary to resist or at least rein in the desire to share with others.
This next lesson is the most recent one that I had to learn.
My heart is a loving one, a very giving one. I used to make hand made or bought gifts to give to others. If I could give it in person, I did so. If the intended lived far away, I would take the time to very carefully, lovingly packaging it then mailing it, feeling the pleasure of giving to those whom I love.
While a few people did let me know they had received their gifts, called, texted or emailed their words of gratitude, most did not. If it were not for tracking numbers, I would have never known if the gifts were received or not.
One recipient was taking their family out of town for Christmas. I busted my butt to put a Christmas package together to mail to get their gifts to them in plenty of time before they left. The box arrived 4 days before they were to leave. The tracking number showed it. I didn't hear from the recipient. Finally, at the end of January,I placed a call to them.
It was a pain filled stab to my heart when the recipient told me that it was too hard to put the box in their car so it was left in their home. They finally opened it several days after Christmas. I decided that it would be the last time I would waste my time or money on them.
A tough lesson to learn, as well as a valuable lesson to learn.
Personal growth.
Having a loving heart is to also have a heart that wishes to help others, to feel happiness from giving of my time to others.
The lesson learned is to let myself feel the same happiness from giving to myself.
It was a bit difficult at first. It felt like I was being too selfish, feeling tinges of guilt in fulfilling my own needs, wants, wishes, pleasures.
It was necessary to learn to let myself feel the same happiness, pleasure, satisfaction from giving to myself.
Often, I do feel tinges of guilt in giving to myself, still.
I'm a work in progress.
As long as I am in this body, living & breathing, it's a wondrous life to live, change, grow, learn, improve.
Prior habits can be changed, improved upon.
Continuing in personal growth is a sweet way for me to live as I move through time, getting old is optional.
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