Heartbroken

This may be hard to understand, it may seem trivial. That's okay, all people have the right to feel as they do. It's a kind, compassionate action to be thelemic toward fellow human beings.

When I received the news, the tears began to flow. Have you ever heard the song or phrase, "Cry Me a River"?

It felt like I had a river, flowing down my face. Sadness overwhelmed me in an instant. 

A deep desire I had was crushed just like that!

Dreams of all that we would do together, taking care of him, giving him a happy life. Discovering all the parts of his personality.

It all evaporated.

Just   Like   That

People who know me, know that I have always loved animals. All animals. Birds, dogs, cats..............Horses!

Animals love me, too! Possibly they sense my care & love for them!

In 2018 I went to Colorado for 2 months to house sit for someone I have known for a long time. When I lived in Colorado, I loved to go to the USAFA Equestrian Center. 

I'm a very experienced rider, I love to be with a very cheeky horse. Horses that are a bit sassy, energetic. Yes, please!

When I went to the USAFA, they had a relatively new gelding. I think he was proud cut because he had a lot of energy, he was very vocal. He was only 8 years of age, so, yeah, his name fit him, well.

✨ Spirit ✨

The USAFA Stable staff takes very good care of their horses. It shows. The horses are happy, healthy, they even get every Monday off, turned out into the pasture.

When I signed in, to ride, I asked the staff person if they had a horse that had some energy, that needed an experienced rider to handle their personality.

That's when I met Spirit.

He was just the sort of horse that does it for me. When I climbed onto his back, the position of his ears showed that he was listening, he was checking out who this hooman was. I leaned forward to whisper to him.

"Hey there, horse guy! Thank you for letting me onto your back"

He nickered then shook his head, which, in  horse language means "Can we get going, already?"

All I did was to relax the reins & made a light clucking noise. He was ready to go!

The rule at the stables, to ride, is to only go as fast as a quick walk. Just below a trotting gait, faster than a leisurely walk.

This is a great rule, as there are some people who care more about their own enjoyment even to the detriment of the horse. Part of why I love to go to the stables is that the horses ARE well cared for.

Spirit took me through the trails of the mountainous acreage of the USAFA, he was looking around, nickering in reply as I talked to him.

I felt something I hadn't felt in a very long time.

Falling hopelessly in love with this magnificent equine. 

I felt a connection to him, so much about him to love. He had a scent that was a mixture of light sweat, stream water, the liniment that is put on horses to repel flies. 

He smelled so good to me!

The dream I have for my life is to pay cash for a horse, a house & a dog (maybe 2 dogs).

When I choose to buy an animal, I have to connect with the animal. It's an aspect that is difficult to explain, when you feel it, you will definitely know it.

It's that feeling people have when they meet another person who they feel, right away, they know they will marry that person.

Connection.

I knew that Spirit was the horse I wanted to buy.

While I was in Colorado, I spent as much time as I could with him. Riding through the mountains, brushing him, (with permission from the stable hands) feeding him little treats, talking to him. Most horses love to be brushed. It makes them feel good, kinda like most people like to be hugged or to get a massage. Horses make friends with each other by lightly scratching each other. That itchy spot they can't reach on their backs or their necks. Horses carry a lot of weight in their necks. Brushing or scritching that spot feels really good to them.

Oh yeah.

I fell in love with him!

I planned to buy Spirit once I was in a position to be able to care for him. Something a person who is acting responsibly, does. There is an equestrian trail that spans the miles between Colorado & Florida. My plan was to move to Florida, to have a place for him whether it was a horse property or a boarding stable. I would buy a 1 way ticket to Colorado, then, ride him to our new home in Florida. The equestrian trail possibly starts in Washington state or maybe Montana. There are bunk houses with corrals & pasture for the horses along the way on the trail. There is also an on call veterinarian just in case.

 

To reach that goal I had been working 80 hours per week. Adhering strictly to a budget I set for myself, saving, scrimping, preparing to be in a position to care for him. 

Horses are expensive, time consuming, to take care of properly. Their teeth continue to grow, the teeth have to be trimmed from time to time. If the teeth go untrimmed, the horse will develop sores from biting themselves. If it's let go long enough, the horse will stop eating, eventually starving to death. Hooves have to be trimmed, cleaned out. Hay, grain plus other foods are expensive. Horses need these to be healthy. Many Veterinarians require the horse to be brought to them. Like people doctors, most of them no longer make "house calls". For this, I will need to buy a truck to pull the trailer I will need to transport my horse to the Vet if needed. 

I won't even go into sheath cleaning for a stallion or gelding!!!! Use your imagination on that one. 

Some people were a bit alarmed when I told of my plan to ride Spirit from Colorado to Florida. People do this all the time, it's why the trail with accommodations was created. There was concern about my safety being on the trail, alone, with Spirit.

HAH!

I can definitely take care of myself. Having just enough fear to be cautious, confident in my self defense skills. Military training goes deep into the brain. When I have been in serious jeopardy, in the past, I felt the skills kick in. If someone attacks me, I won't call 911, so there won't be anyone coming to save them from me. 

Too late to apologize.

When I received the news that he had been sold, went to someone who fell in love with him just as I had. 

I was happy for him, so deeply sad for me. I cried all night that night, cried all day the next day. The tears kept flowing. The loss I felt was so deep, letting myself FEEL the loss.

All I have, now, are memories of him, pictures, a lock of his mane.

I will be okay, eventually.