The Greatest Love of All

So............

This happened.

Someone anonymously sent a message to me. Apparently, they felt that my blog entries about my pain over the supposed passing of my first love, Steven Thomas Szasz, were really stupid, borderline mental illness. Possibly it was a bit of wishing someone had cared about them with such intensity. Maybe they had never loved another person with such passion because they actually had never learned how to love themselves.

The person, I think I know who they are, further expounded on how I must be such a loser to care so much. How it's abnormal for someone to grieve so deeply, to write about it for the whole world to read.

Furthermore, this unhappy creature cautioned me to seek a counselor because the feathers I found & how I felt about finding so many is not normal. Then, they expounded on my other flaws, my love for my Doberman puppy, that I wasted my time on needlework etc.

Here is my sincere public double bird salute from a famous mouse.

Instead of telling you this face to face as you took the cowards way, thinking you are so clever, sending a message to me that doesn't concretely ID you. Obviously, you don't know me as you seem to think you do. The message that you think wouldn't ID you, came from your isp which connected it to you.

Who is the fool, now. Don't answer, it's you.

The company that pays me to write this blog enjoys it that I'm so real. That the nitty gritty honesty, the truth in my opinions & life experience are refreshing. That I tell it as I see it.

Having so many personal struggles, I know I'm an under-dog. The one that so many people love to hate. I'm okay with that. Having never been a people pleaser, it's important for a person to love themselves, not caring what other people think.

I'm a people helper, not a pleaser.

A people helper as in helping someone who genuinely needs it. What they do with that help is up to them. It's then, out of my hands.

What the person I helped or those who know of my helping them, think of me, is also on them, not me.

It's all good.

This concept is dispersed all over the world. Learning to love yourself just as you are or as you decide to be. Little to no care as to the opinions of others. Songs, quotes, entire books, poetry, works of art. It's in all cultures in all languages.

Opinions are like belly buttons. Nearly everyone has one. The only one it makes a dent in, is the one who has it.

Humans start out as deutosteromes. Some people fail to progress, mentally/emotionally beyond that stage.

People must love themselves enough to be enough, being just fine as they are without needing another person to "complete" them. I'm single because I want to be single. 

There is so much more to life than following the urge to merge, coupling up because products in supermarkets mainly sell products in packages of two.

At first, when I was married, it was a bit rocky. As time went on, it reverted back full circle becoming rocky only more so as I discovered so many betrayals that, of course, he lied about when asked.

I felt so trapped.

A reoccurring dream I used to have was that I was bound with heavy chains from head to foot. As I struggled to free myself the chains tightened around me. I screamed, yet it was completely silent. 

Then, right after the divorce, the dream stopped occurring. 

This tells me that being married was definitely mostly a negative for me. 

Maybe it was just the one I was married to that made it so awful.  A counselor told me that it seemed that I was giving 95% then, maybe getting 5% back on a really good day.

It was hard enough for me that it's something I probably want to steer clear of. Never say never. Ha ha.

As someone who probably cares too much about everyone, while being unconcerned at what others think of me. It has brought a bit of trouble to me. It has also taken me to some very sweetly serendipitous situations. When you are very different from most people, it scares a lot of people because you're your own person, it's more effort to figure you out if they even can.

Depending upon the other people who are individuals, themselves, stereotyping is a knee jerk reaction.

Figure out the other person, squish them into the neat little box you believe they belong in. The same dimensions as the boxes prepared for all the other people that needed to be figured out.

Next?

Many people will fit in that mental box you prepared for them plus hundreds of others all in their own boxes. It's the ones like me who chooses to have a burning curiosity about everything that are seen as the problem. That fly in your sangria, the buzzing mosquito whom you can hear, it just escapes being truly seen.

Back to the lovely troll. Your words say more about you than they do regarding me. Thank you for the chuckles, Bozo.

Sometimes Dreams Do Come True

Looking over at him, laying there, sleeping. Loving the sound of his breathing, snoring, little noises as he dreams. For three years I was yearning for him or one like him. It was only when I let go of the effort, then, like magic, he became mine.

Having had three before him, I had to let go of expectations, be open to how he would be, whom he would be. Then, on February 4th, 2024, I received the phone call. That's when it started.

My magnificent dorky PJ. He was one of 12 puppies in the litter. Black & tan. 

He was so loved by the breeders. It was obvious. At first, the breeders wife held him on her lap, stroking his little head, behind his ears. He made an adorable purring trill, nearly fell asleep. I drove to Wichita, Kansas, to bring him to my home.

Into my home.

Into my life.

Into my heart.

The first 2 weeks, I slept by his crate with a pillow & blanket. He still cried at night. He cried more when I wasn't there. He was so small. Just 11 lbs. The drive back to Graham, Texas was a magical time. I kept looking over at him in a pinch me way, feeling the deepest happiness, I had felt in a long long time. My dream dog, an AKC Doberman puppy. 

When I met his mother, Serena then saw his father, Lucien, I saw his potential. How he would grow to be as an adult. 

He is a Kansa Dobe. One of the leading breeders of pure Dobermans in the USA. The breeders are very selective as to whom their puppies go to their forever home with. The application asks valid questions as to what the potential home the puppy will go to as well as what they are looking for in a puppy. This is very important, to me. They care about their dogs; these are living beings that require a lifelong commitment to the wellbeing of each puppy & their life span.

Kansa Dobermans | Elite Doberman Pinscher Breeder

Happily, I made that commitment to PJ, for the rest of his life or mine, whichever happens first. He's my family, I am his family.

PJ is from a long line of show dogs. Pure Doberman for 100 generations. I could enter shows with him, could use him for breeding. That's not my wish nor objective. He's my protector, my companion. More than just a beautiful, lean, elegant dork. Along with it he's so intelligent. He's very affectionate, sweet, playful, learns quickly, very eager to train. He house broke himself, it was I who had to be trained to understand his cues. 

My prior 3 Dobermans were all very sweet, smart, beautiful, protective, eager to learn & train. PJ is all that plus more. He is my first AKC Doberman. The others were from back yard breeders. I can see a very strong difference in him. He's learning to do whatever at a younger age plus he learns it faster.

Part of it could be that I've had more experience in training dogs. Maybe I'm more patient.

Maybe it's a combination of his careful breeding married with my experience in training my dogs plus training other people's dogs.

Whatever it is, I feel like the most fortunate woman in the world to have him.

When I walk him through my neighborhood, people come out of their houses to get a closer look at him. People in their cars slow down to stare at him. Many people even stop, often pull over to the side to look at him, ask me questions about him.

We enjoy daily visits to the dog park. Mostly, we are the only ones there. We walk, run, play, train, get some quality outdoor fun!  I love this dog so much. I can't remember what life was like before him.

To his credit, PJ knows 14 commands. He also knows the names of all 26 of his toys. He learned so fast. Most of his "toys" are the sort that provide mental stimulation. 

Dobermans are renowned for their intelligence. One tenet of that is that they need mental stimulation. Some people would say they crave it, in reality, they need it just as they need food, water, attention, to be loved.

A bored Doberman is a danger to anything they have access to, to chew on. Shoes, furniture, clothing, rugs, walls, flooring, their humans. They will find mental stimulation one way or another. It's best to provide it or have some expensive lessons until you learn.

Before I brought PJ into our home, I thought I had puppy proofed it. PJ spanked me into the realization that it was insufficient. It was my responsibility, so, I had to listen then puppy proof it even more. Still, he finds ways to show me where I fall short. 

Trial is more pleasant than error. Error is more expensive.

Soon, PJ will be 1 year of age. He changes a little every day. He becomes more mature, physically bigger, stronger, more communicative. Another part of the Doberman breeds charm is that they are very clear communicators. Like many humans, most females mature at an earlier age, are stronger at communication. I have trained female Dobies, have only owned male Dobermans.

Three weeks ago, PJ reached a milestone. He became a leg lifter. He still squats to pee sometimes, if he isn't close to an object to "water".

Also, he reacts differently to female dogs than he does to male dogs. He seems to prefer female humans vs guys or male humans. Maybe he knows things. He reacts more positive toward older men. He seems to dislike guys who have beards or ones that are very tall. A man who is very tall, had a very sexy beard approached me at the dog park. I was so glad I hadn't taken his leash off, yet. 

PJ went into full on murder mode, scared the pee out of the guy!

He really did, not even figuratively. The poor guy was so embarrassed, he tried to keep me from seeing the wet spot on his pants. It was the hardest ever to keep myself from laughing. Making the guy feel even more embarrassed than he already was.

My protector loves me, heals my heart. Makes me so happy.

I knew I needed a man, a Doberman.

 

My new door sign, custom made, thank you, for this, Lester.

So Busy, Too Busy, Always Busy

It's a sad fact in the times we live in. People have more ways to communicate with each other than ever before. 

 

Parents will do for their small children who still live at home or give an excuse. Sometimes it's a valid reason. Often, when those children grow to adulthood, they give more excuses than reasons. Seeing their parents as no longer important since they don't need anything from them.

This attitude also extends to siblings, friends, neighbors & coworkers. When the one being asked doesn't value the other person as much, they might simply not reply or give an excuse. As sad or extreme as this may seem.

This is what has become of our world. As those who know me might see, I am far from perfect. So flawed, there might be a need to invent a word that means flawed to cover me. LOL!

With that said, most people who know me will attest to my habit of making time for other people. Even during busy times in my life, I make time for others.

Giving time for others can just naturally happen like the ebb & flow of time and tide. Mostly, in today's world where it's too easy to sidestep communication with others much less an actual physical meeting, it will remain unknown if the person actually reads a communique or not.

It's akin to people saying they will pray for someone. There is no way to know in a concrete way if the person who said they would pray for someone, actually did or did not.

Harsh?

Maybe.

Truth?

Most often, yes.

The distance of geography or time one person will go for another is an accurate measure of how much the doer cares. Regarding the one they are willing to do for or not willing.

People are as busy as they make up their mind to be.

Native American Marker Trees

Is it only folklore? The precursor to urban legendarium.

Legends state that Native Americans would bend saplings to mark trails during travel. The sapling would be bent in the direction to be followed to find their way to a destination. The sapling would be bent then tied down with sinews, left that way as the tree grew.

Quite clever, I think.

The saplings would be tied down at an angle with vines or sinews. Usually, long-lived species such as oak or pecan. Many of these marker trees are at least 150 years of age. They were bent as saplings, now bearing the appearance of an unnatural bend.

In the small town where I live, I saw some of these trees, was curious enough to snap photos of them, then do some online reverse image research. This marker tree is in the large dogs area of the dog park in Graham, TX. Yes, it's one I snapped a photo of. I was so happy that the trees were left untouched when the dog park was created.

There it was. It confirmed to me that this was man made. A Native American connection was a pleasant surprise to me. Over 100 years ago, the area of Texas where I live was Comanche territory. The Commanche traveled a lot. Hunting, maybe sightseeing, looking for signs of encroachment, looking for new food sources.

It's fascinating as well as a display of Native American ingenuity, intelligence, respect for the land. It's a natural way to post signage to direct a path to a destination. As white settlers moved in, many of these marker trees were chopped down to make way for houses. Also drinking establishments, "dance halls" aka whorehouses, places of business as well as places for law enforcement. Jails, courthouses, sheriff's offices, etc.

The marker trees that remain are 100+ years of age. The saplings have grown into bent over oak trees, pecan trees & the like. It was too late to recognize the value of all of the trees when so many were chopped down. Some still remain as a testament to Native American ways of wisdom.

If you are one who enjoys walking through forests, admiring the majestic oak trees. Maybe maple trees or even hazelnut or pecan trees you might, now, recognize marker trees. You might marvel at the Native American ways that are lost to time yet memorialized by the ancient wisdom in the ancient trees that remain.

Plastic

 Humans have become so far removed from the natural world in which to thrive. Like an invasion of termites or bed bugs, everything is sold in forms of plastic, plastic is in everything.

Items that plastic is used in:

Clothing

Food Containers

Purses / Wallets

Childrens toys

Phones

Shoes

Underwear

Dog Collars

Dog toys

Dishes

Beverage Containers

Bottled Water

Cooking Utensils

Televisions

Computers & computer components, accessories

Hair Brushes

Combs

Hair Styling tools

Dental Sealants

BPA or bisphenol A, an industrial chemical that is used to coat the inside of soda cans, the main body of water bottles etc. It's said that it's safe. Lead based paint was also considered safe until it wasn't.

BPA is a harmful substance that causes inflammation in people as well as in animals. BPA, the chemical used to manufacture everyday plastics. It enters the body through ingestion, inhalation, touch.

It disrupts the endocrine system, causes infertility. Has also been linked to anxiety, depression, mental illnesses.

One way to push back to counter the effects is to eat foods that fight inflammation.

A few other ways is to begin using glass dishes to store items in cupboards, in the refrigerator. Use stove tops or conventional ovens instead of microwave ovens. If you must use a microwave oven, use glass dishes instead of plastic. The heat that is generated in a microwave oven only magnifies BPA. 

BPA is a phytoestrogen that is a plant based chemical that mimics estrogen, seeping into estrogen receptors in women and men. It has been linked to fertility issues as it lowers testosterone primarily in men though it also affects women. The effect on children shows up as ADHD, anxiety, childhood depression.

How can the effects of it be managed?

I can tell you; I began switching over to glass dishes, minimizing the use of plastic, especially where food is concerned. Slowly, I phased out plastic storage containers for glass or ceramic. It's been 6 years since I started phasing out plastics & stopped using a microwave oven in my home. If you go to thrift shops, there is an abundance of glass food storage dishes for pennies on the dollar. Yard sales are also a great source for glass dishes as well as containers.

Now, speaking of phasing out, clothing is another BPA heavy presence in modern life (in the USA, at least). Opting for clothing or other linens made of 100% cotton or linen is a way to work around the fast fashions made from BPA products. 

Polyester

Nylon

Spandex

Athletic wear or athleisure wear all are made with BPA materials. After a workout, change your clothing as soon as possible as the sweat glands are wide opened for the BPA to enter the body. As time goes on, start to phase out workout wear with spandex for cotton or linen. The sooner the better.

BPA stays in the fabrics even after repeated washings.

There is hope! This poster has such good information. I have a copy of this on my refrigerator for future reference. 

Obviously, plastics & BPA items are a sad fact of life in the world, today. Even if we can't eliminate them 100% we can minimize.

With a world full of fakes online as well as offline, even people in today's world seem to be just as fake as plastic fruit.

That's a different can of worms altogether.

Be your authentic self, minimize plastic usage. Report back!

Flattery or Delusion

Having had time to mull over the events of the past few months, a thought occurred to me. As one who is a deep thinker, some may say that I am an over-thinker. They can say it. Like a belly button, the only one their opinions make a dent in, is them.

As I was walking my 10 laps in the dog park this morning, I began thinking of the relationship between Steve Szasz & myself. Questions I most likely won't get the answers to. It might be a healthy approach to be content with the lack of answers to what I wonder about. The ones who could answer my questions are out of touch. Maybe it's best to just stop wondering altogether or at the least put it aside.

As far as what my feelings are, I still love Steve, have loved him deeply since that first, memorable kiss. 

It's part of my nature, once I have truly loved someone, I will always love them. 

A person has to hurt me so deeply a whole helluva lot for me to stop loving them. That happened in the marriage I was in, then divorced the one who had deliberately hurt me so deeply, so many times. He succeeded in killing the love as well as respect I had for him.

Not Steve. 

His words & actions with me were mostly loving, playful, kind, introspective. Sometimes a bit angry, sometimes a bit naughty, all in good fun. He would have every reason to be angry as his world was being turned upside down, ripped apart in his parents' messy divorce while he was still a minor.

Maybe the reasons he didn't want to meet in person was that he didn't have the same feelings for me that he once did. If he ever truly did. Maybe it was limerence or an intense adolescent crush. Yeah, I do question it, now. Looking back to when I was a teenager vs having the perspective of an adult with more life experience.

                                    "Heavy sigh"

Maybe he was a bit lonely & having long phone conversations with me was a way to stave off his own loneliness. It could have been that I was a "safe" person who he knew would appreciate his bawdy humor, loved him, still loved him despite our differences. Possibly his feelings toward me weren't all that special to him any more despite that he told me they were.

Actions are more accurate than words. It seemed that I was just someone to talk to. That he was a bit lonely, just being kind, thinking I might also be a bit lonely. 

I wasn't.

Yet, conversing for 3 hours at a time?

Although I choose to be alone most of the time, I'm very rarely lonely. Not dating, not even romancing the bone.

Embracing hobbies I'm passionate about, traveling when I want to, having life enriching experiences. So much personal growth to experience at my pleasure. Things I couldn't do or do in the way I want to if I had followed the urge to merge.

It could be that he was spending so much time speaking with me on the phone instead of in person for the same reason a dog licks a popsicle. Because they are allowed to do it.

Whatever the feelings or reasons were that he had or didn't have.

I will never know.

It does make me feel a bit sad, even a bit silly that I may have been deluding myself. 

Maybe it was all one sided, all in my head. Not in his head nor heart. 

So mysteriously sad.

                   Here comes the tears

These ideas occurred to me as I walked the fauxvid pork off.

Although I'm very grateful for this good life I have, I had to work hard, go without food sometimes, sacrifice a lot, to have it. Seeing how life is for a few of my peers, many aspects of life, for me, are so much better than I had ever believed it could be.

It was all my doing to make several desires I had, come to fruition. Going to the Somewhere in Time weekend at The Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island, MI with my sister as my guest.

Magical times at a Mirabilia Retreat in San Antonio. Meeting the designer of my favorite needlework patterns was a dream that I brought to life.

Vacationing in Hawai'i as a tourist, for 7 days, doing touristy things.

Being the sole person to shop for, choose, then pay cash for my own vehicle of my choosing. The ex-always did it all for every vehicle without consulting me. He forced it on me over & over against my protests. Really hated it when he did that.

So much more.

The point of all of this kapkar is that I have come to some realizations.

1. Possibly Steve no longer cared about me as he once did. Maybe he never did & it was all in my head. I can be a bit naive at times.

2. Knowing that I have a very good life, I'm grateful for it.

3. It's best to stay in forward motion, I'm young, still have many wondrous life experiences ahead of me.

4.  Many people don't understand intuition or spirituality, it's best to refrain from speaking of it to others. Atheism is based on no god or higher power, many also shun spirituality. Being cremated is a final chance to have a smoking hot body. I understand Atheism. When they are placed in their coffin, laid to rest, all dressed up with nowhere to go. 

As I move through time (getting older is optional) I will do so with an opened mind & closed heart. Having made a promise to myself that after having my trust betrayed, my heart shattered in 2012, that I would never allow it again. I was allowing it until I stopped allowing it. My heart, my responsibility, my own decision.

Being happy being me.

That's what seems to work best.

Having recently made some exciting changes in my life, I keep moving forward. Looking forward to what is coming toward me.

 

Rain

If there's really holes in the floor of heaven 

Tears of loved ones are really falling down

I wear them all through my blonde hair

Like a lovely silk veil and crown

When thunder rolls then lightning flashes

It's a mystical magical wonder to me

A promise of rainbows and flowers

Sweetness that is yet to be

I love to walk in the rain

Puppy boy loves to play in the puddles

Afterward we warm each other 

With affectionate snuggles & cuddles

Tonight the rain is pouring down

Like a love song lulling me to sleep

I lay on the softest of white satin sheets

With a mattress and pillow so soft and deep

The sky becomes decorated with rainbows

Earth is washed clean which I adore

Birds sing out in happiness

Loving the petrichor

When you know, you know

People often speak of how they knew from the first time they met someone that they were the one. The one they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with, build a life, make babies. It's unsure how someone can know this. It's simply, when it feels right, it's just there. 

Please understand, I'm still missing Steve Szasz, still feel the ache for him. Still a bit sad, teary eyed when I think of him, of what might have been. Also, I know I must keep living until my time comes.

So, I live fully. Loving this wonderful dog. Still missing Steve. Though I will be writing of him less, it's there as it always has been.

Will always be. I love him with my whole heart, that will remain. My intuition that he is still alive, constrained in some way haunts me.

As sure as sighted human beings know the sky is blue, with an absence of continuing to check on to see if the sky really is blue, they know.

From formal schooling plus current as well as past people in my life who are science oriented, I KNOW what makes it appear to be blue.

Without wading through string theory or listening to Neil DeGrasse Tyson, I know the sky only appears to be blue.

Along with the gobbledy gook swimming around in my grey matter, I know why the ocean also appears to be blue.

To most people, it's blue. Explanations matter less than the beauty of how it appears. It just does.

That's how it is with my new puppy. I love him so much, already.

On Sunday - 4/ 7/ 2024 - I took him out on our daily walk. Dobermans are known as one of the most intelligent dog breeds. This can be a good thing. It can also be a daunting aspect to keep up with.

Often when I ask something of him such as "sit" or "rope" (his rope toy he loves to fetch) or "park" (the dog park), I wait a bit as I can see him processing it before he reacts.

Sometimes, I do cheat a bit. I know full well that "rope" is put away where he can't see it or get to it. I tell him "Rope?". 

Then, he processes, goes about looking for it. 

It keeps him busy for a bit, entertained, out of trouble.

PJ & I were having a very nice walk in beautiful weather. Yes, the sky was blue. The ocean is too far away to tell so I will simply believe it's also blue.

PJ was wiggling his head in an awkward way. It was so freakish, I hoped he didn't have epilepsy or worse. Then, when he broke free of his collar, I realized what this too-smart-for-his-own-good little MFer was doing. He had found a way to work the fastener on his collar loose, then, fall off.

At first my heart began to pound, pound very hard.

Then, smart planner that I am, I remembered that I had tucked a small, crackly container of kibble into my sports bra before leaving on our walk. Athleisure clothing really ought to have pockets!

PJ was at a full run, he looked back to see what I was doing, as if it was a game & he wanted me to chase him. 

Nope.

Reaching in my sports bra, I pulled the crackly container with the kibble in it (AKA my secret weapon) out. Pets that love their food might let a robber break into a house to steal whatever. They might put their commands on mute. They might get into something they know they aren't supposed to have, ignoring the "NO", charging ahead. 

Open a bag of chips or just wiggle your lips like you're eating something. They can hear it even if they are asleep or at the very opposite area of the house, they will usually run toward the sound. I counted on this, used it to my advantage. 

Just as I believed would happen. He came running back to me.

Until I had PJs collar secured, I was so frightened. Afraid of him being injured or not being able to get him back. He came running back then sat in front of me as I held onto him, buckling his collar.

That was when I felt the full force of how much I love him propelled by the fear that I might lose him or that he would be injured. 

When my previous Doberman, Sammy, was with me, I loved him so much, cried off & on for months after he was gone. Seriously, it felt like there would never be another like him, actually, there hasn't been.

Before going to get PJ, I truly wondered if I would ever love another dog like I loved my Sammy.

The question has been answered.

Loving PJ as much as I do, life would now be less fun without him. 

He's a different dog. Loaded with personality, just as loved.

Another aspect of PJs personality that I have found to be very unique, is his sleeping habits. He always starts out laying on his back, legs in the air. Then, he slowly lowers over to his side. In his crate, he will still be asleep while scooting over until his spine is flush with the side. He likes to have his spine up against a surface when he sleeps. I started noticing his hair getting thin along his spine. So, I put a soft yet durable fabric piece along the wall he likes to sleep against. The hair on his back filled in. Now, sometimes in the morning when I get PJ from his crate, he will already be awake, facing the soft cloth, sucking on it. Like a puppy suckling mommy.

So sweet. 

He's 9 months of age, 80 lbs, he's still a puppy. Still a baby.

Because my work schedule is self-determined, there was a bit of concern that it might be hard for PJ. 

Nope.

He is so resilient. Even with my schedule changing from day to day, he rolls with it. At first I tried to feed him, potty him, at the same time every day. Then, I realized, he didn't seem to care. As long as he was fed, pottyed, played with, exercised, loved on. He didn't care. All of his needs were met.

With all the love I have for this dog, I decided to give him a home made Christmas gift. Not a cross-stitched stocking or silly Christmas outfit, though it did cross my mind. Though we live in Texas, we are in North Texas. It DOES get cold in the winters. We do get ice storms, snowstorms, below freezing temperatures.

I bought a kiddie pool at a yard sale. Next, I filled it halfway with potting soil. Luckily, there was still grass seed available when this idea occurred to me. I'm going to plant the grass seed at the end of October so it will fully germinate around mid-December.

Are you still following?

I'm making an indoor bathroom for PJ!

From my research, the grass I chose is high in fluoride, smelling like a freshly mowed lawn even when it hasn't been mowed. It's in the back of the house so he will have "privacy". I will pick up after him as I do when we go to the dog park. With ample seeds, I can re-seed it as needed. 

Throughout the winter when it's bitter cold outside, neither one of us has to deal with freezing our wieners off, at least, he won't!

Yeah, I love this dog. From the day I brought him home, I will never go anywhere alone. I will always have company when I pee.

My life is happier, brighter, more exciting with him.

Every Day

Every day I exuviate several tears for you

Also a few that are just for me

No one knows of the wounds on my heart

Only skin-deep ones for all to see

You're still here with me with every breath I take

In the thoughts I think at the start of each day

The essence of you is everywhere within me

Your scent your funny isms you liked to say

People can speak of me as crazy or silly or sad

Thinking I don't know how they speak behind my back

Love them then forgive them when they do as they do

No ire toward them for their insensitive attack

Better to still love them as they do me so dirty

Better to keep my own thoughts very pure

Better for good health and self-happiness

Than to stoop to be so insecure

I will love you as I have always loved you

As we did from the very start

Sweet hot passionate respect

The fierceness of loving with a whole heart

Tides

 

Tides that ebb & flow

Aqua skies above

What we find

That which we love

Ocean lovers are we

All that we need

Shells from the sea

Salty hair seaweed

A cure all for those

Who find solace there

More highs fewer lows

Sandy cracks beachy hair

Even I am under the spell

Ocean love sinks in deep

Secrets left to tell

Though they are secrets to keep

Magic is in the air

Breathing it in is divine

Foul weather or fair

An oceanic lifeline

How Did This Happen

 

As I downsize, declutter, only keeping that which gives my heart a wee flutter, brings happiness. Things get moved around a lot. Thinking that it's still too much stuff yet, I know where everything is.

At least I thought I did.

To organize important papers an accordion file which I keep in a waterproof, fireproof vacuum sealed safe works nicely. Have only gone into that safe once or twice in the last couple years. 

I had to look for some important paperwork, I knew or at least I thought I knew just where to find it. In the course of going into the accordion file a familiar scent drew me to one particular compartment. 

Having a very sensitive sense of smell can, at times be a bit of a curse. I knew exactly what that subtle, still delicious scent was. With my heart pounding so hard, I drew out the letters that I had carefully tucked away a minute ago.

It's indeed a mystery as to how the letters got there.

There they were, the love letters that Steve Szasz had written to me. I really believed they were in the dust jacket of the book, also from Steve. The Cosmos by Carl Sagan. 

It's a mystery to me as to how they ended up in the accordion file. Steve had a natural scent that I loved; it was still clinging to the paper he had written on. 

My puppy, PJ, was worn out, snoring loudly in his crate with his blanky. A perfect time for me to indulge in some needlework. I had stitched for 3 hours until my eyes began to ache. Then, I got the accordion file out. Finding the love letters from Steve gave me a different sort of ache. Then, the tears started.

Threw me back into the pain pit.

Feeling that the letters ended up there for a reason, maybe? I opened them, one at a time.

Reading those words he wrote. Such elegant, profound words. Some of them were in his beautiful scrolling handwriting while others were written in printing non-cursive style.

The words he wrote to me, Oh the words! So intense with passion, feeling, emotion, affection. Quite remarkable considering he was just 17 when he wrote them. Even the beginnings of the letters with ~

Hello my Love, Brenda

Dearest Brenda

My sweet Love, Brenda

Love of my Life, Brenda

Even the very beginnings of the letters were infused with love, with passion, with such true emotion. They were packed with his thoughts & plans for our lives together. Ideas on where to go ring shopping for the wedding rings, how we would go, together to give the news to our families that we were getting married. He also offered an alternative plan for me to tell his family & my family of our impending engagement as he was far away, working.

Some of it was rather risqué in his description of what he wanted to do with me after we were married. It was still in good taste just very personal.

The very ways he cherished me spoke directly to my heart.

For the time that I spent, poring over those letters though this is a bit cliche' I allowed the tears to fall like raindrops. Being careful that none of my tears fell on the letters to keep them preserved. Treasures beyond measure.

I wrote love poetry to him; he wrote love letters to me. 

It was such torture to be so far apart, physically. He wrote of the intense pain he felt at us being apart, saying that ~

"This is the time when love begins to hurt while it's so worth it."

Writing of how he never thought he could love a woman so much, even more than he loved his blood family.

I felt the same way about him. Expressing it in poetry along with a couple of letters. It was so intense, the love between us.

After we had an argument, once, he wrote a letter telling me that he loves his freedom, loves me more than his freedom, that the feelings were tearing him up inside, causing such conflict. That when he feels the conflicting feelings, they would evaporate just seeing me, running his fingers through my hair, gazing into my light green eyes.

All would be right in the world.

The feeling between us was mutual though I had fewer conflicting feelings. The only conflict for me was his nicotine addiction. 

Sitting on my bed, the slight scent of Steve, letting my tears flow freely, the sun began to rise. I must have been lost in re-reading those letters for at least 2 hours or more.

I have a feeling that he is still alive, I can feel his essence which can transcend time, distance & space. 

My sense of intuition is very strong. My intuition feels that Steve is bound up, somewhere. Maybe mentally, maybe physically or even legally. It could be a jail or a care home or maybe a psychiatric facility. Maybe he took extreme action to be able to protect his son.

The intuition feels so strong.

It could be off base or correct. It could be incorrect, unlike so many people, it's okay for me to admit it if I'm wrong. This feels correct.

It feels as if any moment the phone will ring, that it will be Steve. That we will have another deep conversation like we did before, that it will be another chance to reconnect with him. In person. Face to face.

As long as it is also his wish, I will hold onto him this time around.

Taking a different approach, I was letting myself grieve instead of fighting it. 

How much longer will I grieve. It's unsure. Every time I think I'm done, it starts again.

Speaking to myself in my head as I would speak to someone I love, I say, "it's okay, babe, cry if you need to, cry it out. remember that grief is love with nowhere to go. take care of you, your heart. a love like the one we had, from my perspective, anyway, is worth the pain."

There is no one I can turn to for comfort. The ones I thought I could trust, in this town have betrayed me in such cruel ways. They have taught me to be extra wary of people who call themselves "Christians". 

In my experience it's just a smoke screen. They are, in reality, worse than some people who don't say they are Christians, instead, hanging crosses everywhere.

I say this as it's what life is like for me. I'll have to get through it on my own as I have usually done. Alone in the world, trust no one. Not even Star Fleet.  An attempt at humor. Yeah, I love Star Trek!

Because of my life experience of so much betrayal.

What keeps me alive keeps me alone.