Friday, October 11, 2024

Rain




If there's really holes in the floor of heaven 
Tears of loved ones are really falling down
I wear them all through my blonde hair
Like a lovely silk veil and crown

When thunder rolls then lightning flashes
It's a mystical magical wonder to me
A promise of rainbows and flowers
Sweetness that is yet to be

I love to walk in the rain
Puppy boy loves to play in the puddles
Afterward we warm each other 
With affectionate snuggles & cuddles

Tonight the rain is pouring down
Like a love song lulling me to sleep
I lay on the softest of white satin sheets
With a mattress and pillow so soft and deep

The sky becomes decorated with rainbows
Earth is washed clean which I adore
Birds sing out in happiness
Loving the petrichor











Wednesday, October 2, 2024

When you know, you know




People often speak of how they knew from the first time they met someone that they were the one. The one they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with, build a life, make babies. It's unsure how someone can know this. It's simply, when it feels right, it's just there. 

Please understand, I'm still missing Steve Szasz, still feel the ache for him. Still a bit sad, teary eyed when I think of him, of what might have been. Also, I know I must keep living until my time comes.
So, I live fully. Loving this wonderful dog. Still missing Steve. Though I will be writing of him less, it's there as it always has been.
Will always be. I love him with my whole heart, that will remain. My intuition that he is still alive, constrained in some way haunts me.

As sure as sighted human beings know the sky is blue, with an absence of continuing to check on to see if the sky really is blue, they know.
From formal schooling plus current as well as past people in my life who are science oriented, I KNOW what makes it appear to be blue.
Without wading through string theory or listening to Neil DeGrasse Tyson, I know the sky only appears to be blue.
Along with the gobbledy gook swimming around in my grey matter, I know why the ocean also appears to be blue.
To most people, it's blue. Explanations matter less than the beauty of how it appears. It just does.

That's how it is with my new puppy. I love him so much, already.





On Sunday - 4/ 7/ 2024 - I took him out on our daily walk. Dobermans are known as one of the most intelligent dog breeds. This can be a good thing. It can also be a daunting aspect to keep up with.
Often when I ask something of him such as "sit" or "rope" (his rope toy he loves to fetch) or "park" (the dog park), I wait a bit as I can see him processing it before he reacts.
Sometimes, I do cheat a bit. I know full well that "rope" is put away where he can't see it or get to it. I tell him "Rope?". 
Then, he processes, goes about looking for it. 
It keeps him busy for a bit, entertained, out of trouble.

PJ & I were having a very nice walk in beautiful weather. Yes, the sky was blue. The ocean is too far away to tell so I will simply believe it's also blue.
PJ was wiggling his head in an awkward way. It was so freakish, I hoped he didn't have epilepsy or worse. Then, when he broke free of his collar, I realized what this too-smart-for-his-own-good little MFer was doing. He had found a way to work the fastener on his collar loose, then, fall off.
At first my heart began to pound, pound very hard.
Then, smart planner that I am, I remembered that I had tucked a small, crackly container of kibble into my sports bra before leaving on our walk. Athleisure clothing really ought to have pockets!
PJ was at a full run, he looked back to see what I was doing, as if it was a game & he wanted me to chase him. 
Nope.
Reaching in my sports bra, I pulled the crackly container with the kibble in it (AKA my secret weapon) out. Pets that love their food might let a robber break into a house to steal whatever. They might put their commands on mute. They might get into something they know they aren't supposed to have, ignoring the "NO", charging ahead. 
Open a bag of chips or just wiggle your lips like you're eating something. They can hear it even if they are asleep or at the very opposite area of the house, they will usually run toward the sound. I counted on this, used it to my advantage. 
Just as I believed would happen. He came running back to me.
Until I had PJs collar secured, I was so frightened. Afraid of him being injured or not being able to get him back. He came running back then sat in front of me as I held onto him, buckling his collar.

That was when I felt the full force of how much I love him propelled by the fear that I might lose him or that he would be injured. 

When my previous Doberman, Sammy, was with me, I loved him so much, cried off & on for months after he was gone. Seriously, it felt like there would never be another like him, actually, there hasn't been.
Before going to get PJ, I truly wondered if I would ever love another dog like I loved my Sammy.
The question has been answered.
Loving PJ as much as I do, life would now be less fun without him. 
He's a different dog. Loaded with personality, just as loved.

Another aspect of PJs personality that I have found to be very unique, is his sleeping habits. He always starts out laying on his back, legs in the air. Then, he slowly lowers over to his side. In his crate, he will still be asleep while scooting over until his spine is flush with the side. He likes to have his spine up against a surface when he sleeps. I started noticing his hair getting thin along his spine. So, I put a soft yet durable fabric piece along the wall he likes to sleep against. The hair on his back filled in. Now, sometimes in the morning when I get PJ from his crate, he will already be awake, facing the soft cloth, sucking on it. Like a puppy suckling mommy.
So sweet. 
He's 9 months of age, 80 lbs, he's still a puppy. Still a baby.

Because my work schedule is self-determined, there was a bit of concern that it might be hard for PJ. 
Nope.
He is so resilient. Even with my schedule changing from day to day, he rolls with it. At first I tried to feed him, potty him, at the same time every day. Then, I realized, he didn't seem to care. As long as he was fed, pottyed, played with, exercised, loved on. He didn't care. All of his needs were met.

With all the love I have for this dog, I decided to give him a home made Christmas gift. Not a cross-stitched stocking or silly Christmas outfit, though it did cross my mind. Though we live in Texas, we are in North Texas. It DOES get cold in the winters. We do get ice storms, snowstorms, below freezing temperatures.
I bought a kiddie pool at a yard sale. Next, I filled it halfway with potting soil. Luckily, there was still grass seed available when this idea occurred to me. I'm going to plant the grass seed at the end of October so it will fully germinate around mid-December.
Are you still following?

I'm making an indoor bathroom for PJ!

From my research, the grass I chose is high in fluoride, smelling like a freshly mowed lawn even when it hasn't been mowed. It's in the back of the house so he will have "privacy". I will pick up after him as I do when we go to the dog park. With ample seeds, I can re-seed it as needed. 
Throughout the winter when it's bitter cold outside, neither one of us has to deal with freezing our wieners off, at least, he won't!

Yeah, I love this dog. From the day I brought him home, I will never go anywhere alone. I will always have company when I pee.


My life is happier, brighter, more exciting with him.

Monday, September 23, 2024

Every Day







Every day I exuviate several tears for you
Also a few that are just for me
No one knows of the wounds on my heart
Only skin-deep ones for all to see

You're still here with me with every breath I take
In the thoughts I think at the start of each day
The essence of you is everywhere within me
Your scent your funny isms you liked to say

People can speak of me as crazy or silly or sad
Thinking I don't know how they speak behind my back
Love them then forgive them when they do as they do
No ire toward them for their insensitive attack

Better to still love them as they do me so dirty
Better to keep my own thoughts very pure
Better for good health and self-happiness
Than to stoop to be so insecure

I will love you as I have always loved you
As we did from the very start
Sweet hot passionate respect
The fierceness of loving with a whole heart



Tuesday, September 17, 2024

Tides

 



Tides that ebb & flow
Aqua skies above
What we find
That which we love

Ocean lovers are we
All that we need
Shells from the sea
Salty hair seaweed

A cure all for those
Who find solace there
More highs fewer lows
Sandy cracks beachy hair

Even I am under the spell
Ocean love sinks in deep
Secrets left to tell
Though they are secrets to keep

Magic is in the air
Breathing it in is divine
Foul weather or fair
An oceanic lifeline




Friday, September 6, 2024

How Did This Happen

 


As I downsize, declutter, only keeping that which gives my heart a wee flutter, brings happiness. Things get moved around a lot. Thinking that it's still too much stuff yet, I know where everything is.
At least I thought I did.
To organize important papers an accordion file which I keep in a waterproof, fireproof vacuum sealed safe works nicely. Have only gone into that safe once or twice in the last couple years. 
I had to look for some important paperwork, I knew or at least I thought I knew just where to find it. In the course of going into the accordion file a familiar scent drew me to one particular compartment. 
Having a very sensitive sense of smell can, at times be a bit of a curse. I knew exactly what that subtle, still delicious scent was. With my heart pounding so hard, I drew out the letters that I had carefully tucked away a minute ago.
It's indeed a mystery as to how the letters got there.

There they were, the love letters that Steve Szasz had written to me. I really believed they were in the dust jacket of the book, also from Steve. The Cosmos by Carl Sagan. 
It's a mystery to me as to how they ended up in the accordion file. Steve had a natural scent that I loved; it was still clinging to the paper he had written on. 

My puppy, PJ, was worn out, snoring loudly in his crate with his blanky. A perfect time for me to indulge in some needlework. I had stitched for 3 hours until my eyes began to ache. Then, I got the accordion file out. Finding the love letters from Steve gave me a different sort of ache. Then, the tears started.
Threw me back into the pain pit.

Feeling that the letters ended up there for a reason, maybe? I opened them, one at a time.
Reading those words he wrote. Such elegant, profound words. Some of them were in his beautiful scrolling handwriting while others were written in printing non-cursive style.

The words he wrote to me, Oh the words! So intense with passion, feeling, emotion, affection. Quite remarkable considering he was just 17 when he wrote them. Even the beginnings of the letters with ~

Hello my Love, Brenda
Dearest Brenda
My sweet Love, Brenda
Love of my Life, Brenda

Even the very beginnings of the letters were infused with love, with passion, with such true emotion. They were packed with his thoughts & plans for our lives together. Ideas on where to go ring shopping for the wedding rings, how we would go, together to give the news to our families that we were getting married. He also offered an alternative plan for me to tell his family & my family of our impending engagement as he was far away, working.
Some of it was rather risqué in his description of what he wanted to do with me after we were married. It was still in good taste just very personal.

The very ways he cherished me spoke directly to my heart.

For the time that I spent, poring over those letters though this is a bit cliche' I allowed the tears to fall like raindrops. Being careful that none of my tears fell on the letters to keep them preserved. Treasures beyond measure.




I wrote love poetry to him; he wrote love letters to me. 




It was such torture to be so far apart, physically. He wrote of the intense pain he felt at us being apart, saying that ~

"This is the time when love begins to hurt while it's so worth it."

Writing of how he never thought he could love a woman so much, even more than he loved his blood family.

I felt the same way about him. Expressing it in poetry along with a couple of letters. It was so intense, the love between us.

After we had an argument, once, he wrote a letter telling me that he loves his freedom, loves me more than his freedom, that the feelings were tearing him up inside, causing such conflict. That when he feels the conflicting feelings, they would evaporate just seeing me, running his fingers through my hair, gazing into my light green eyes.
All would be right in the world.
The feeling between us was mutual though I had fewer conflicting feelings. The only conflict for me was his nicotine addiction. 

Sitting on my bed, the slight scent of Steve, letting my tears flow freely, the sun began to rise. I must have been lost in re-reading those letters for at least 2 hours or more.

I have a feeling that he is still alive, I can feel his essence which can transcend time, distance & space. 
My sense of intuition is very strong. My intuition feels that Steve is bound up, somewhere. Maybe mentally, maybe physically or even legally. It could be a jail or a care home or maybe a psychiatric facility. Maybe he took extreme action to be able to protect his son.

The intuition feels so strong.

It could be off base or correct. It could be incorrect, unlike so many people, it's okay for me to admit it if I'm wrong. This feels correct.

It feels as if any moment the phone will ring, that it will be Steve. That we will have another deep conversation like we did before, that it will be another chance to reconnect with him. In person. Face to face.

As long as it is also his wish, I will hold onto him this time around.

Taking a different approach, I was letting myself grieve instead of fighting it. 
How much longer will I grieve. It's unsure. Every time I think I'm done, it starts again.
Speaking to myself in my head as I would speak to someone I love, I say, "it's okay, babe, cry if you need to, cry it out. remember that grief is love with nowhere to go. take care of you, your heart. a love like the one we had, from my perspective, anyway, is worth the pain."

There is no one I can turn to for comfort. The ones I thought I could trust, in this town have betrayed me in such cruel ways. They have taught me to be extra wary of people who call themselves "Christians". 
In my experience it's just a smoke screen. They are, in reality, worse than some people who don't say they are Christians, instead, hanging crosses everywhere.

I say this as it's what life is like for me. I'll have to get through it on my own as I have usually done. Alone in the world, trust no one. Not even Star Fleet.  An attempt at humor. Yeah, I love Star Trek!

Because of my life experience of so much betrayal.

What keeps me alive keeps me alone.








Thursday, August 22, 2024

Moonlight & Us




Let's go on a moonlight walk. 
Just us two as we are. 
At our own pace to gaze at stars
To laugh as we talk
Let's reconnect to the natural world
Feel the breeze in our hair
Just to be a boy and a girl
Exploring what might be there
You can call it a date or what you wish
You can call it a meet and greet
With soft grass under our feet
Being silly or funny or even childish
You can be you whoever that is
I'll be me as I move through time
Speaking in such prose that rhyme
Nobody else's business
Seeing you as you truly are
Far better than the world can see
A beautiful human wild and free
Baby you're such a superstar
In my eyes I see such imperfect perfection
In your eyes you see me as a rare confection
All we need to be is who we are
Moonlight is known to do that
Especially when the moon is so full
Changing to purity what once was dull
Making new again what was once old hat
It comes to us but once in a while
Cherishing it while it's here
Rare beings as we don't appear
Rare eye twinkle with a real smile
Can you walk with me 
Without talking or making a sound
Only feel crunching on the ground
If only for a few minutes to just be


Sunday, August 18, 2024

143 or 14344?

Which is it? 


OR



It can be a dilemma to figure if used improperly.  

Personally, sometimes it's the former, sometimes the latter. Mostly the latter. 
Star Trek - 14344
Steve Szasz - 14344
Intelligence - 14344
Bigoted attitudes - UGH!
Sarcasm - 143
Watermelon - 143
"Doing" my own hair - 143
Esoteric Practices - 14344
Men - 14344
Horses - 14344
Jerks - UGH!
Needlework - 14344
Family - There's no combo
Cell Phones & the way so many people use them - zilch.
My car - 143
My Doberman, PJ - 14344
Video Games & Gaming - Ugh! No, just NO!
Smart TV - 143
Vernors Ginger Ale - 143
Faygo Rock n Rye - 143
Politics - UGH!
Organized Religion - UGH!
Fake people - UGH!
Fake family - UGH!
The character Michael Burnham - 14344
My poetry - 14344
Other people's poetry - UGH!
The Breen - UGH!
David Ajala - 143
Cleveland Booker - 14344
The color White - 14344
King Charles III - UGH! UGH!
Modern Conventional Medicine - UGH!
Libraries - 14344
Museums - 143
Disney World - 14344
Book Stores - 143

When you know it, you know it. When you get it, you get it. Simple to figure if you only have a brain.

Saturday, August 10, 2024

Something Wanted




Peeps. I'm trying, really trying.
Spare me the kapkar there is no try.  Do or do not.
I'm truly trying.
I woke up super early this morning. 
3:33 with a cape on my back. 
I was going to change things up to create changes in my life. I took my darkling puppy boy out to do his business.
I made his breakfast for him.
It's August in Texas, 104 degrees is usual. Today it was cooler. 98.
PJ (my puppy) has less appetite. The heat is affecting him. He still needs exercise or he's like a squirrel with 4 shots of espresso.
So what. 
So am I. 
Having tons of energy is a part of me along with having very sharp recall in my memory.

1. Get up early, line up work for the following night.
2. Take care of puppy boy.
3. Get to the gym for a minimum of 30 minutes.
4. Take puppy boy to the park to let him RUN.
5. Take him home, put snack & bowl of ice in his crate, lock him in! My darkling is an 8 keyed padlock dog. An AKC escape artist.
6. My car was in need of some TLC - Total Laudatory Cleaning.
PJ is terrified of the automatic car wash. I left him at home.

After my workout, I picked up an Egg McMuffin, some OJ to have in the car, listen to some music, relax with some brekkie as my car gets washed.
I was doing OK.
Hadn't cried, over Steve, for 2 days, have found 24 blue feathers.
The first song on the radio:
What Might Have Been by Little Texas
Really DJ? Really!
Change the station.
The Sweetest Thing by Juice Newton
UGH!
Fighting the tears.
Change the station
Dreams by Fleetwood Mac
OMFG! STOP! 
Change the station
You Don't Bring Me Flowers by Barbara Streisand
I was running from the grief at full speed.



Screw it, man, I turned the radio off





I let myself cry. Let tears course down my face. Let it have me.
I want to be happy; I want to stop crying. I want to only cry for 3 months instead of the four months, the last time I had to get over him. It's almost at the end of 3 months & 24 Blue Jay feathers which feels like he's sending signs to comfort me. Though I have always found feathers, never have I ever found such beautiful bright blue ones. I doubt I ever really got over Steve. He and I kept finding each other. I'd go find him. He'd go find me. We'd find each other again.
It may sound silly, maybe it is, not to me. It's freaking painful.

The guy is worth every bit of pain I feel from the ache for him. However, it feels like the pain wants me more than I want the pain. The beautiful blue feathers are a bit of comfort.





Also, the rediscovery of the emails Steve sent me over a course of several years from 2007 - 2017. The photos he sent, the ideas he expressed. He loved Pepsi, also loved Hot Pockets. He even called me a "Hot Pocket" a few times. If you get the inference, you get it.
Having never tried the food or the other, I bought 2 boxes of Hot Pockets (the food) & a case of Pepsi. Not exactly health food, it's comforting me a bit.
Yeah, the pain wants me. 
I'm keeping those photos & emails. Along with the book he "loaned" to me with his love letters tucked inside. All I have left of him.
I'm all alone in the pain pit.



Everyone has their lives, their own personal pain.
Although his son wasn't planned, he loved him so much, sent me several photos. Such an adorable boy.
Steve wondered how I felt as his son is 1/2 African American.
OMFabulous Gracious!
I'm 1/2 Native American!
My babies are 1/2 Asian.
So?
So, so, I can sew all the way to Kokomo.
A child is beautiful, period, end of discussion. His child is beautiful.

Speaking of a child or children.

As I did when I had babies, I started neglecting myself to take care of PJ. He was just 3 months of age when I brought him home.
I froze my gym membership for a few months. Began revolving my days & nights around PJ. His waking times, sleeping times, meal times, exercise, training, play, long walks. 
Now that the city made such a great dog park, I take him in the mornings when the weather is cooler. 
He runs for a solid hour.
I walk from the front gate to the back fence then back to the front gate a minimum of 4 times, sometimes 8 times. As PJ runs, finds sticks, runs some more!
4 times = 30 minutes
8 times = 55 minutes
Walking the fauxvid pork off of my body.
The dog park has running fresh water, waste bags provided.
Groovy!

Now that PJ is older, I have a well-trained 8-month-old puppy who is still a joy to be around even when he body slams me, with all 70 lbs!
I taught him to "shake" also "play dead". Pointing my finger at him I say "bang". He falls over on his back, his legs in the air. 




Party tricks are so fun.
He still does occasional puppy nipping, my skin is healing nicely.  CeraVe VitC serum & Omnilux LED treatments, taking L Lyseine.
My puppy boy is worth it to me.
I love him.
He's a great comfort to me during this grieving time. I lay on the floor next to him, on a small pillow, the tears flowing. He rubs his nose on my tears, puts his paw on my shoulder.
He's so young to be so devoted, so understanding of my grief & pain.

My birthday came & went. 3 phone calls, one text. 2 late gifts 10 days after. People told me what joy children bring when they become adults. Witnessing their milestones is so rewarding. Invest in your children now, they will love you later. 
Sure.
Out of 4 children that I sacrificed for, poured my time & love into, only one cares about me. Only one has included me in her milestones in her adult life. Acknowledging that it takes work, planning & perseverance to raise children with love & caring. 
I gave that.
It also takes work, planning, love & time for an adult child to include their parent(s) in their lives.
Only got a commensurate return from my youngest one. 
I saved the best for last.
Having PJ definitely helped so much to smooth over the Birthday blues.

The grieving wants me, so I am letting it have me however long. Maybe fighting it is only prolonging it. idk.



Wednesday, August 7, 2024

Lifes End to The Beginning




It's such an idealistic time. Two people who are in love, having adventures, so into each other the rest of their lives pale in comparison to all that they are feeling, experiencing together.
As bonds deepen, the talk of more permanence in their togetherness begins. Then, deciding on marriage, they go for it!
BOOM!
There is only talk of love, the love for each other, their future together. The mention of a prenup or the possibility of a divorce is so absent, there ought to be a new word for absent, for the 2 love birds.
The "D" word.

Often people marry with the intent to stay with their spouse for the rest of their lives or their spouses. Being abusive or abused is usually unfathomable. Cheating on their spouse whether it's financial or emotional or sexual usually is far from being planned, yet many people do it.

The initial betrayal, the shock, the denial are often employed to keep from dealing with the painful truth. Following this is even more pain from a legal separation which may or may not lead to a divorce. Deep agony of a divorce hurts nearly everyone in different degrees. 
There are more resources for the children of the divorcing parties than there has ever been. The husband most often continues on in his career, garnering sympathy from friends & family using whatever he can whether it's bold-faced lies or mild mistruths.
In the past, the wife was often left destitute, still is in many cases. All the waa-waa, about women having an easier time during then post divorce still hangs in the air though it is quickly becoming so passe'.

Study after study shows that the overall economic quality of a mans life, based on earnings plus amount spent on living expenses increases after a divorce. He continues to earn more while bearing fewer family expenses. The overall economic quality of a womans life hits a sharp decline. Although women fare better in many other ways, financially, many are left worried about basic living expenses. 

Most of the time she is caring for the children while often having to also provide for them, financially. When the father can't or won't provide for his children, it's even more worrisome for the children as well as their mother.

When a woman perseveres, stays strong, let's herself adjust to being alone, without a man in her life, wondrous things begin to happen.

From my own personal experience, the realization happened in my heart & mind that I had been held back from personal growth during the time I was married. Although it was a bit frightening as it was the first time in my life that I was completely alone. I had always had siblings, lots of relatives, neighbors, as a child.
During my time serving in the USAF I had always had a roommate.
During marriage there were always other people around.
After leaving then divorcing the abusive ex, I was living completely alone for the first time. It was so scary. 
Suffering crippling anxiety, paranoia over any little noise in the place I was living.
Depression, loneliness, profound sadness over the loss of social contacts. People who I had attended church with for several years turned their backs to me. 
The army of God who crucifies the wounded.
Then, online, the scammers started targeting me repeatedly. Said all the right things, told me in typed messages, what myself or any other vulnerable person would want to read.
As much as it would have been nice if it were actually a real person I KNEW they were scammers. 




Being targeted by a scammer is a matter of chance, being successfully scammed is a matter of choice. 

From time to time I played with the scammers until it became too tedious, no challenge at all. Boring. At least I kept them occupied so 
that they weren't targeting someone who might believe their ruse.

As I tried dating & it was more BS than anything, I decided to take a different approach.

When a person starts a new job or gets married or has a new baby or any new situation, the advice is the same. Let yourself adjust, give it time, enjoy the newness of it.

This advice is rarely if ever given when a person finds themselves alone after a breakup or a death or a divorce. The advice is nearly always. 
"Get back out there, mingle, you'll meet someone special."

The decision to be single, celibate, getting to know who I was again after being someone I wasn't for such a long time. Discovering new music, new TV shows, new clothes, perfume, makeup, new fitness practices, fasting techniques.
The one constant that stayed with me was my love for intricate needlework.

My most recent completed project. It's rare when I stitch the alphabet on a sampler as it serves little purpose besides taking up space. Instead, I compose, chart, then stitch my own original poetry.

The pattern was designed by Marilyn Leavitt Imblum of Lavender & Lace Designs. The name of the pattern is Fallen Roses. If I could rename it, I would name it, "The Journey of Womanhood."
The poem I composed then stitched:

Abilities learned
Enduring in grace
Journey of tides turned
To a joyful place


A bit of touch up with the iron, it's ready for me to frame it. The bracelet in the oval was on my wrist when I was born in W VA.

During a long marriage I had to fight for time to indulge in needlework. Had to even hide current projects or there would be a fight over how much time I spent doing something I love. A counselor had suggested that the ex hated my needlework because it didn't involve him. If something didn't involve him, he resented it. He had even ruined some of my patterns, claiming it was an accident.
R i i i i g h t.
Classic narcissistic trait.
Even when dinner was made, homework accomplished, home was clean, he would be angry if he came home early & I was relaxing with a needlework project until dinner time with the family.
Loving nearly every aspect of being a wife & mother, family dinners around the table was something I cherished. No TV or phones. Just happy family talk & delicious home cooked meals every evening at 5 or 6 pm. Something I hoped my own children would carry on with.

When I love, I love with my whole heart. The ex huzz became less caring, crueler as time went on. He began taking me for granted, less appreciation. 
He started telling me that I was "all used up after 4 babies" whenever I displeased him. Among other cruel things, he knew that one would hurt me the most. He got that "dupers delight" expression when he saw that it hurt me so much that it left me in tears. He knew it got me.
Then there was the 3 days up to 3 weeks of the silent treatment. After he was so toey he couldn't stand it, he expected me to hop happily into bed with him.
Nope, that wasn't happening, he became angry over that, too. 

When a person freezes you out, they are teaching you how to live without them. Maybe it's why it was easier on me, emotionally, when we divorced. He spent years teaching me how to live without him.

He had always been very critical of everyone & everything. 
Except himself, of course. 
When our first sweet baby was born, everyone saw how sweet she was. All he saw was a very slightly crooked pinky toe. He was becoming more hyper critical of me with time. It took a lot of cruelty, constant lies, abuse, abhorrent comments to kill the love I had felt for him when we married.

Letting myself enjoy doing needlework without fear of repercussions was new for me. Love that.

Although I had never been one to go to a gym, I began spending more time at the gym. Not for a so-called revenge body. For me because it made me feel so alive, invigorated, strong. I had spent 30 - 45 minutes at the gym. It was no longer enough for me, 1 - 2 hours felt great! A female friend made the comment that I was the incredible shrinking woman. Another female friend asked me how I got my bubble butt. Do your squats, yo. 

As time went by, I began to feel like I had hit a reset button on life. Remembering how I felt at age 19, free to do as I wished in my off-duty time serving on AD in the USAF. Based at Hickam AB, Honolulu, Hawai'i. Finishing a 12-hour shift, I turned my gear in at the armory, walked across the street to the beach. Changing out of my uniform, taking a quick cold shower. I donned a hot pink bikini. It felt like I was nearly nekkid after wearing heavy clothing & gear for nearly 12 hours. A great feeling.
Falling asleep in the warm Hawai'ian sun felt so good.
Not something I would do, now, as I was still a teenager, feeling so invincible, no worries of sun damage or skin cancer. I was free!

Allowing that feeling of being so free to come back to me. Although I was completely alone, I felt far less lonely, even less with time. In my private thoughts I was turning back into who I truly am.

A new beginning, is that redundant? Maybe.

While one chapter in life was closing for me, another one was just beginning. This new chapter was a bit frightening at first. A married woman is often semi protected by a bubble of safety. With no proverbial lion at the gate, predatory people encounter fewer obstacles to accomplish their means. Those means may be duping someone out of money, sex, couch surfing as the person is alone, has room for them to crash. 
I had to learn to be my own lion at the gate. Lioness. Purrr.

One phrase in particular, I learned to watch out for was this:
"I have your best interests at heart."
When a person says that, they most likely have their own best interests at heart. Interests that would benefit them, not me.

All the lessons learned, all the new skills, the changing of perspectives, helped me to forge a new life.
The beginning of a new life as I shed excess weight, also, excess material possessions. Ridding myself of that which had been a spouses taste, or my prior taste had changed. Gathering proverbial steam as I went, it felt lighter & brighter than life had felt for a long time.

In spite of the many adjustments, the scant support system, weathering the storms of life is up to me. 

Still grieving over Steve Szasz, I tried playing music that might desensitize me to the ache for him, the pain of the loss of him. Maybe it's too soon. 
It had the opposite effect. 
The dull ache turned into sharp biting pain. Then the tears, the sobs, the pain is still there. Changing the music so the pain would revert to a dull ache again. He was & is worth any pain, dull ache, tears, sadness I'm experiencing. He saw me more clearly than most people. I saw him so clearly, felt his spirit, still feel it.
Still not convinced that he really did pass on. His online accounts are still active including his profile on a few dating sites.
Such a mystery.
Even the thought of him passing on is enough to bring me to daily tears. My heart & mind remain unconvinced.

Though life became new, a beautiful beginning there are some residuals that remain.




Baby steps, in time ilk becomes mass.

Rain

If there's really holes in the floor of heaven   Tears of loved ones are really falling down I wear them all through my blonde hair Like...